I'm proud to present to you this rather lengthy interview with the man who is the definition of the word "scenester." In my eyes he is truly the "King of the Underground"- Lord Metal is a real trooper in the rock and roll army and I salute him. The "Lord" seems a little bit grouchy in this interview. I'm thinking it's because I spoke with him right after Lord's longtime keyboard tech Jimmi Lamour left the band to pursue his professional ice skating career. With that, enjoy the interview.

First of all, Lord, I would just like to say that it is an honor to interview somebody of your stature in the Metal Scene. I hope you can excuse my obvious ignorance of Metal.
That's all right bro. You'll get it together sooner or later.

So, what is a Lord Metal Thanksgiving like? Did you have turkey with the fam or what?
Dude. I was trying to get my new Trans Am up and running! I traded some of my old road gear, bandannas and P.A. stuff that I didn't need for this sweet machine a while back. It needs a little work, and It's been sitting in front of my pad for a few months. My land lord was getting pissed, and wanted to tow it cause I wasn't movin it, so I had to do something. Fuck that old turd! I almost socked him one in the nose. NO ONE FUCKS WITH THE LORD!!! It should be running soon. I'm just waiting on a refurbished back seat that I have on order from Texas right now, and a new decal for the hood. So, no turkey for me baby, just a whole lotta FIREBIRD!

Last I heard you were roady-ing for the Cycle Sluts From Hell... what happened with that? What happened with your career as a guitar tech?
Who? Cycle Sluts? Who told you that? I don't hang out with Cycle Sluts, just road whores. And a Guitar tech? Some one's tellin you lies partner. The only chords this Head Banger plays are my vocal chords. Get your shit together!

Who do you think is sexier, The Great Kat or Wendy O. Williams?
Well they both have equally redeeming feminine qualities, and I'm not to picky when it comes to bitches. But, If you're talking about talent, then I'd have to go with Kat, because its pretty damn hard to screech out those vocals while whailin on a guitar like she does. Fuck, she is insane! But to answer your original question... I don't fuck dead chicks anymore so I'd give my prize to Kat!

When you're putting the moves on a buxom young vixen, what kind of tunes do you jam to?
Well, I'm usually not "jammin" the tunes when I'm movin in on some warm "krinkle tart". It's always after the show when the action takes place. As far as "Action-Orientated" listening pleasure, I'll usually throw on some W.A.S.P "L.O.V.E. machine", or any thing from Malmsteen if it's a wild night, and If I'm in more of a mellow mood, I'll spin some Early RATT or Maidens 1st album. Fuckin Di'anno can hit those soft notes that put the chicks in the mood!

Tell me about the famous Lord Metal "Van-tasy" Custom Van.
Well, back in the early "Lord" days we had this old custom Chevy van that was all pimped out and plush that we would tour in. Fuck, we had a hell of a time fittin all the chicks in there with all our equipment. Vinnie actually left his bass cabinet at this club in Touscon one time just to make more room for the ladies. After that tour I actually lived out of it for quite a few months. "A mobile pokin palace". "Stabbin Cabin". Ha! Yea! Those were the days man. I ended up having to sell it off though. I caught a pretty bad cold during those winter months in the van, and couldn't pay for the doctor visits, medicine and shit. I don't have any fancy insurance or nuthin. Fuck. I guess that's what I get for sleepin in the nude.

You know, when they're real young, boys and girls don't look that much different. Have you ever "caught yourself" looking at what you thought was a young girl only to find out it's a young boy? Did you just kind of say to yourself "Eh, a hole's a hole," and go ahead?
Well, there's been a few times when I'd get off stage and head for the bar for a shot and see a couple cuties from behind only to find out that it's just some pretty haired skinny rocker in tight jeans with his girlfriend! Fuck that shit. I got long hair, but fuck, it don't look all Vidal Sassoon and shit! I've done some pretty weird shit in my day, but I've never screwed a dude, or wanted to. I ain't no flamer! Chicks dig me man! What else can I say?

A lot of people are saying that you're just in it for the chicks, that you don't even care about the fans. Now, as a dedicated Lord fan, I know this isn't true. But what would you say to those people?
I'd tell em to come down and watch us fire up the stage! I don't need a band to get chicks, so that's just stupid. We have dedicated fans that come to our shows all the time, and we've gotten fan mail from all over the world, (which are mostly chicks), but that's just the way it is! The only people that say shit about LORD METAL like that, are just the same jealous "pretty haired sissy rockers" whose girlfriends end up comin home with me instead of them!!!

What's going on with that quadruple CD boxed set of all 18 Lord Metal demos that I've been hearing so much about?
It's actually just a greatest hits compilation. We have no plans on releasing it on CD just yet. They will be on high quality, professionally duplicated chrome cassettes with full color artwork and covers. The project is going a little slower that we expected. We've had difficulty in finding the right songs that we wanted to include. There are so many to pick from, and they all SMOKE! So it was hard. We should have something together early in the new year! Look out!

Who are your influences, vocally? I hear a lot of Meliah Rage and Katon from Hirax.
I was schooled in the way of Halford, Di'anno, and Dio. I listened to a hell of a lot of similar metal when I was forging my style. As a kid I respected the likes of Foghat, Deep Purple (Coverdale era), Cheap Trick, and of course KISS. But in all actuality, my style is not "influenced" by others. All the stuff that was around at the time just didn't have that tearing PUNCH, and ripping SQUEAL that I was looking for. I developed my technique with LORD METAL in the early 80's, so When all these metal bands were comin out of the wood work and gaining notoriety, I wouldn't be surprised if I was the one who influenced their sounds. We used to pack them in down on the Sunset Strip back in the day my man! YEA! Fuckin LORD METAL MAN!!!! Ow!

Don't you think it was clever how on the first Poison LP Brett Michaels said instead of just "Vocals" he put "Vocalizin' and Socializin'" and Bobby Dall put "Bass Rapin' and Heart Breakin'"?
Yea, that was cute. I saw Rikki Rockkett at a Metallica concert on the "Justice tour", and grabbed his ass! What a gaylord!

How did you hook up with Discordance Axis for the guest vocals on their cover of "Crank My Shaft (Grease it Up)"? Were they old-time "Lord" fans or what?
Dis Who? Isn't everybody a fan of the LORD?

Lord, are you cool?
If you have to ask, then you've never seen LORD METAL in action!

Have you ever longed for the affections of a female chimpanzee with estrous swelling of the genital area?
That's a really common question. Why do people keep asking me that? They really should stop serving whiskey at the zoo. It'll just get you into all kinds of trouble kids!!!

What "turns you on" in a chick (or guy)?
Tight vinyl pants, and high heels. Crotchless panties are good. No panties are even better. I like em in all shapes and sizes. I don't like to deprive the women of my essence! If they're willing to play, then batter up baby! I got the hot dog for your buns!!! Of course there are women that I won't do. And guys? I already told you I ain't sweet!

Is "Metal" your real last name?
YES! Next question.

What do you think you'd be doing if you never got into metal? How did you end up as "King of the Scene"?
Well, Metal isn't my full time gig. I have to support myself somehow until we decide to go big, and sign up with a major. I write songs, and sell them to this publisher dude named Ralph. He hooks me up sometimes. I usually have some royalty checks comin in from some tunes that I got rid of. I also do telemarketing right now, but just for some extra holiday cash ya know? So many fine bitches work down there too. I've been doin a lot of on the job "stocking stuffing" if ya know what I
mean. Yea!

I know that this isn't going to be a real popular thing to say, but I like Maiden better without Dickinson. and I liked Fight better than Priest. What's your take?
Hell yea. Man, Di'anno is one of the greats with out a doubt. Although Dickinson is mighty powerful, but Paul used finesse in his voice a lot more that Bruce. I totally dig ALL the Dickinson Maiden as well as Di'anno. It's hard to make a overall final decision. I think people are so down on the Di'anno years just because he didn't last as long as Dickinson did. They never gave him a chance. Maiden got well known during their years with Dickinson as a front man, so people were conditioned to him more. If Di'anno never left Maiden, and Bruce never left SAMPSON, how many concert jersey t's of which band would you have in your drawer right now? Just about the same I bet! They're both just as rockin!
As far as Fight vs. Priest goes: Metal is metal man! Fight is good, but have a different all together type of vibe. I think it was good for Halford to get in to the heavier stuff even though he is a queer! Priest kicked some major ass, and you know it! We (LORD METAL) were supposed to do a few shows with FIGHT up in Northern California actually back around 93, Before Rob was gay. Our transportation fell through and we couldn't make it at the last minute.

How come your tracks for the "US Metal" compilation were rejected? That was kind of lame of them to use your painting on the cover but turn down your songs, huh?
We were too HEAVY for them. Fuckin Euro trash! They didn't realize that our sound would be the next wave of metal to infect the ears of the young, and turned us down. Europe is always the last to "get it" ya know? We recorded a hard rockin track called, "Nugget" for it and everything! Yea, well at least they used my artwork I sent. They did give me a few copies, but I ended up having to pay for the shipping. Fuckin cheap bastards! Look at all the machine gun guitars in the painting. There are subliminal messages about Twisted Sister in there if you look hard enough.

Have you ever thought about doing a solo Lord Metal album? Maybe you could do an all-star jam kind of vibe, and invite the guys from all the bands Lord Metal used to jam with like Lizzy Borden, Death Angel, Panic, Despise You, Annihilator, and Helstar.
Nah man! If I did a solo album, I would have to find a new crew to jam with! Me 'n' the boyz have been rockin for a long time together, and haven't had any problems. Anyway, if I did do a solo demo, it would still be called LORD METAL, so what's the point. No one would know. All star jams? No thanks. I tried out for Hear-n-Aid back in 84, and got bumped for Kevin Debrow!

If you were making out with a girl and found out that it was actually a guy, would you stop, even if he was a really good kisser?
Hell yes I would stop! What is this obsession of yours with homosexuals. Well, I might keep going if it was Rob Halford!

Well Lord, that's about all the questions I can think of. One thing is, what do you think of Windows?? What's the story behind your 1996 cassette EP "Windows Is For Faggots"? Is there anything else you'd like to add?
That's three questions dipshit! Here's your three answers:
1) Are you talking about computers? I don't have a computer. I usually have to go to the Public Library to look at porn and check my e-mail. They have windows. They also have skylights. They're ok I guess. If I was to go out and buy a computer, I would buy an iMac because I really dig Jeff Golblum!
2) Again with the fag stuff! Should I start calling you "Sweet Chuck"?
3) Naw man! I'm sick of you and your gay questions! See you from the stage bro!
All the Lord Metal fans and ladies out there, feel free to e-mail me if you think you've got what it takes!
Lord Metal E-mail address
LordMetal@reno.usa.com

If you just can't get enough of the Lord, you can find anot